


Out of the Flames

by KelaSaar



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-15 09:45:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15410208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelaSaar/pseuds/KelaSaar
Summary: After she's rescued from Joseph Seed's bunker, the Deputy struggles to deal with the impact his actions had on her life.  The world may not have ended, but the scars still linger.





	1. Chapter 1

Slowly her eyes fluttered open. The light above her was bright, harsh, and it took her a moment to get her bearings. The bed was soft beneath her fingers, and her body was covered in crisp, white sheets. A gentle beeping came from her right. She glanced over, still sluggish. A monitor. She was in a hospital.

She leaned back into the bed for a moment, closing her eyes against the moisture that threatened to escape. It was real. It was over. Her hands balled into fists as she fought to keep her breathing calm and steady.

She heard the sound of a door opening. She tensed.

“Glad to see you’re awake, Deputy.” 

She slid her eyes open. A cheerful young woman in scrubs stood over her, a clipboard in her hands.

“Your vitals look good,” she continued. The doctor gave her a warm smile. “At this rate, you’ll be out of here in no time.”

Her hands found the edge of the sheet, twisting it between her fingers. “How long?” she asked, her voice trailing off.

“You were asleep for the better part of a day. Sometimes rest is the best thing for you.”

She nodded slowly. “Where am I?”

“St. Patrick Hospital. You were airlifted to Missoula after they rescued you.”

When she didn’t respond, the doctor gave her another kind smile. “You’ve got a lot of people that are awfully excited to see you. Are you up for some visitors?”

She griped the sheet tightly in her fists. “Yes,” she replied, her voice hoarse and rough.

“I’ll go get them.” The doctor paused at the door, “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but it’s going to be okay now. Everyone here, we’re all so proud, so honored. You’re a hero. We need more of those these days.”

And then the doctor disappeared and her parents came in and she couldn’t stop the tears if she tried.

\---

Even though there was nothing physically wrong with her, the hospital insisted she stay another few days for observation. That suited her fine. The outside world seemed almost overwhelming to her now, and she could see the cluster of reporters and television cameras waiting outside the hospital. That was an encounter she planned to put off for as long as possible.

In the meantime, cards and gifts from well-wishers, most of whom she had never met, continued to pile up, and the people she actually cared about filtered in and out of her hospital room. Staci was the first to see her, after her parents. One of the nurses told her he had been waiting outside her room since they brought her in.

When he came into the room, he just stared at her for a moment, like he couldn’t believe she was real. She felt the same way. He looked good, his wounds had healed and there was no sign of the injuries he had received from Jacob, at least not on the outside. How long had it been since she had seen his face without blood and bruises?

He sat down on the chair beside her bed and took her hand in his. His skin was warm, and his calloused thumb traced a path across her knuckles. It felt familiar, comfortable.

“How you doing, Rook?” he asked softly. 

“Good,” she answered, reflexively. Staci waited.

She turned her gaze forward, almost afraid to look at him, and her grip on his hand tightened. “Please,” her voice was whisper quiet, “is this real?”

He placed his other hand on her cheek and gently turned her to face him. She met his gaze; his hazel eyes were soft and earnest.

“It’s real.”

She closed her eyes and nodded, more to herself than anything. She opened them again and seemed to drink in the sight of him.

“I missed you. I missed you so much.” And she had. When she thought the world was gone, his absence had hit her harder than she would have anticipated. She barely knew him, not really. But, she supposed, after everything they had both gone through in the Whitetails, it would be hard not to form a connection, a bond, and she had mourned his supposed loss deeply.

Staci’s voice cracked. “I missed you, too. I never stopped looking for you.”

“What happened?” she asked, far more calmly then she felt. “I need to know.”

“The nukes, they weren’t real. There was no war, no Armageddon. It was the Bliss, and Joseph, making us see things that weren’t there. We realized it, when we woke up in that car, but you were gone,” his voice breaks a little on the word, “and so was he.”

“We searched, but we couldn’t find you, and Earl said we should try to get out now, get the National Guard, and I’m so sorry Joanna, I should have … I should have –“ 

Joanna stopped him, her hand on his chest, her turn to comfort him, just like she did so many nights in the Wolf’s Den.

“Don’t do that to yourself, Staci. You did the right thing. You did everything you could.”

He put his hand over hers and gently removed it. Guilt and shame still mingled in his eyes. “It doesn’t feel like I did.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. She knew the feeling.

After a moment, Staci seemed to collect himself and continued. “The National Guard moved in. Martial law was declared, but there wasn’t a lot for them to do.” He gave her a wry grin. “You did all the hard work for them.”

“They cleaned up the last of the Peggies and turned to rebuilding. And looking for you.”

“There were hundreds of volunteers.” He arched an eyebrow. “You’re kind of famous now, by the way.”

“We scoured Hope County. Winter set us back, but we kept looking. And eventually we found you.”

“How long,” she paused to steady her voice, “how long was I down there?”

“Six months.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I finished the game, I was really intrigued by the Bliss hallucination theory, but I also really liked the idea of being stuck in a bunker with Joseph. So I decided why not both :)
> 
> And for those keeping score at home, the smut will be in chapters 6, 8, and 11.


	2. Chapter 2

Slowly her eyes fluttered open. A harsh, bright light buzzed above her. Her head was pounding, and she could feel dried blood smeared across her face. The concrete floor beneath her was cool … Concrete? That wasn’t right. She tried to move, to sit up, but something impeded her movements. Handcuffs, raw against her wrists. And when she looked up, her vision slowly coming in to focus, she saw an all-to-familiar form, sleek skin marred by ink and scars and sin. A feeling of panic rose within her body, rising like smoke and coiling around her heart.

Joseph spoke without looking at her. “You know what this means?”

Joanna had never felt more empathy for the animals she hunted, for the fox caught fast in the trap, waiting for the end to come.

He turned and slowly began to walk towards her, his movements languid. His face was neutral, but Joanna could see the shade of mania behind his eyes. 

“It means the politicians have been silenced. It means the corporations have been erased.”

He raised his arms, a holy invocation.

“It means the world has been cleansed by God’s righteous fire … But most of all …” 

He leaned in close to her, his face nearly touching hers. She could feel his breath, his warmth. His gaze locked on hers.

“It means I was right,” his voice a hoarse whisper, giving form to an affirmation meant for her ears alone.

He slowly moved away.

“The Collapse has come,” he continued as he sat down, his eyes still intently focused on her own. “The world as we know it … is over. I waited so long … I waited so long for the prophecy God whispered in my ear to be fulfilled … I prepared my family for this moment.” 

His voice still low, barely more than a whisper, took on a harsh edge. “And you took them from me.”

He leaned in again, his face twisting into something cruel. “I should kill you for what you’ve done.”

His face and voice turn gentle once again. “But you’re all I have left, now. You’re my family. And when this world is ready to be born anew, we will step into the light. I am your Father and you are my child.”

He paused, something like a smile forming on his face. “And together, we will march to Eden’s Gate.”

At that, he leaned back and reclined in his chair and just looked at her. Smug and self-righteous. And Joanna hated him. The panic and fear that had been building up inside her smoldered and burned into anger. Wrath.

“Are you done?” Her voice cracked like a whip in the silence that had descended on the bunker.

Her face was a mask of fury. “You should kill me now, while you have the chance, because God help me sooner or later I will kill you. I will make you pay for everything you’ve done. And at least it would spare me from having to listen to you talk,” she spat.

Joseph looked almost amused. “My child –“

But Joanna was on a roll, and she wasn’t about to let him start monologuing at her again. Rage poured through her, rage for all he had taken from her, from what the world had taken from her, and she wanted Joseph to feel it.

“Enough with that bullshit. I already have a father, in this world and the next, and you ain’t either of them. You’re a monster. A twisted, pathetic monster that wants to think he’s special. That he matters. Well you don’t. You weren’t right, you got lucky. There was no Collapse, just a fucked up geopolitical situation. And even then, even with all the evil you did, all the things you feel so God-damned justified about, you still didn’t manage to save anyone, but me.”

Joseph leaned in close again. “And whose fault is that?” he asked her softly.

A strangled cry of fury erupted from the back of Joanna’s throat as she snapped her head violently forward. It collided with Joseph’s nose with a satisfying crunch. She could feel his blood dripping down on her, and she relished it, her mouth twisting into a smile.

She expected him to hit her, to hurt her. Any punishment he mete out would have been well worth the satisfaction of hurting him, of making him bleed. But he didn’t.

He simply stood and looked down at her. “Think on your sins, Joanna,” he said, his voice calm. And then he left.

\---

He came back a few hours later to tend to her wounds. Joanna tried to bite him. And once again he just looked at her with that expression of mild, parental disappointment. “This wrath, this sin, suits you ill, Joanna.” He crouched down next to her, although she noted with some satisfaction, carefully out of range. “You will learn to live with me. I’m all you have left.”

That proved a hard lesson for Joanna to learn. When he came to feed her, she knocked the food away. She’d take starvation before she’d take anything from him. She raged at him throughout the night, yelling, screaming, saying terrible things, until exhaustion finally took her. And when she awoke she continued right where she’d left off. She gave into the anger and hate that had filled her heart, and she let it fuel her, consume her, until eventually it burned out, leaving only a hollow emptiness in its place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm writing the Lost of Far Cry 5 fanfiction (although hopefully this story will actually make sense ;P). Flashbacks ahoy!


	3. Chapter 3

She was released from the hospital a few days later. A short walk to her parent’s car that felt long under the flashing lights of the media’s cameras.

She spent the next week at her family’s ranch in Dillon. It was safe and comfortable, sleeping, when she could sleep, in her childhood bedroom surrounded by loved ones she thought she’d lost. But as bucolic as it was, Hope County called to her. She’d spent too much blood, too many tears there, she had to go back.

Driving back to her old apartment, she was amazed by the change that had overcome the valley. It was alive again, the omnipresent symbols of the cult erased, their macabre decorations torn down. There weren’t even any more of those ridiculous hymns on her car radio. It was like they had never been there at all. 

She reconnected with old friends, saw how big her goddaughter had grown, and tried to focus on the present, to ignore the fact that she felt like a ghost in her own life.

\---

She leaned back against the chain link, absently stroking Peaches’ sleek fur. Peaches had her head nuzzled in Joanna’s lap, looking for all the world like a very overgrown housecat. 

The FANG Center had become one of her favorite places to visit. It was peaceful, Wade left her alone for the most part, and the animals never looked at her with pity in their eyes.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

She looked up and saw Staci leaning against the fence above her. “Mind if I join you?”

She shrugged and arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s a free country.”

Peaches lazily opened an eye as Staci entered the enclosure, but seemed to decide he wasn’t worth her time, settling back into Joanna’s lap as Staci settled down next to her.

“How you doing, Rook?”

“Good,” she answered. Staci gave her a look that said that said “bullshit,” but he declined to voice that opinion himself, a fact for which Joanna was grateful. Instead, he leaned back and together they just enjoyed the warm sunlight and the lazy silence.

It was nice, she thought, having him next to her. A steady, solid presence. And Staci understood.

Finally, his voice broke the quiet. “Joanna, we need to talk.”

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, she should have known it was a trap.

“You’ve got to stop dodging your therapist.”

Joana focused her attention on Peaches, scratching her behind the ears. “I’m not dodging her, I’ve just been busy. Getting settled back in.”

Joanna didn’t need to see Staci’s face to see he was giving her the “bullshit” look again, but when he spoke, his voice was gentle.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it will help, but it does. I’ve been going for months, and it’s helped me … start putting myself back together again.”

“I just don’t see how talking to some stranger about my feelings is going to do anything,” she replied stubbornly.

“It’s more than that, and you know it. You’ve got to a lot to unpack. We all do.” He put his hand on her arm and leaned in so that she had to look at him. “Joanna, I just have to take one look at your face to know that you’re hurting. That you’re not sleeping." That was true, at least. It seemed she could never close her eyes without finding herself someplace she didn’t want to be.

“You don’t … you don’t need to act strong all the time,” he continued. “People want to help you. Let them.”

She felt her resistance crumbling. He was right, as much as she hated to admit it. 

“You would rather watch the world suffer and burn than swallow your pride,” his voice seemed to whisper in her ear. She desperately pushed the thought away.

“Fine,” she said, biting her lower lip. “You’re right. I’ll give her a call back as soon as I leave.” 

Staci looked relieved. He stood up and dusted himself off, smiling down at her. “It really will help,” he said.

He was almost out the door before she spoke again. “Wait,” she called.

“Stay with me.” The words were out of her mouth before she even realized she’d spoken them.

Staci stopped and looked back at her. There was such warmth in his eyes. “Always.” 

Staci understood.


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey,” Joanna said gently, sitting down next to him. Staci didn’t acknowledge her. Joanna had kept an eye out for him as she made her rounds at the party, but she wasn’t surprised to find he wasn’t there. After everything they’d been through, she didn’t feel much like celebrating either. The Whitetails were free, but it had cost so much. The satisfaction of ending Jacob’s miserable life was cold comfort when she looked at Staci’s face or the scorched earth that was all that was left of Eli’s funeral pyre. 

“I didn’t see you at the party,” she continued lightly, making a valiant attempt at normal conversation.

Staci continued to stare straight ahead, his expression neutral, but she could sense the agitation that always seemed to be bubbling underneath the surface now. 

She tried her best to limit the emotion in her voice. Saving him had been all she had thought about for weeks, and she’d be damned if she was going to lose him to himself now that she had finally gotten him out of Jacob’s clutches. A part of her knew it wasn’t that simple, not with the way Jacob had twisted himself into both their minds, but she cared about him. And after seeing what Jacob had done to him for saving her, she’d do anything for him. She owed him that much. 

“Look, if you want me to leave you alone, I’ll go, but I’m worried about you, I need to know if you’re alright.” 

He spoke then, still looking forward, his voice rough, with a manic edge. “I’m alive, but I’m weak … weak. Need to be strong. We are meat. We are all meat.”

She took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “No, no you’re not,” she said earnestly, that emotion creeping in. “You’re not weak, and you’re not meat,” she said fiercely. “You’re a man, and more importantly you’re a good man.”

His gaze softened, and the mania seemed to recede from his eyes as they looked into hers. “I don’t think I remember him,” he said quietly.

Her hands slide from his face and grasped his own. “Then I’ll help you remember.”

Staci looked down at where their fingers intertwined, and then back up at her, his expression edging into something that was almost a smile. 

They let the silence linger after that. Joanna found it oddly peaceful. It was nice to be removed from it all for once, to not have to be the great hero, some female John Wayne straight out of the old westerns her grandparents loved so much. The lights and sounds of the celebration stretched out below them, and above the sky was full of stars. 

Wheaty was right, she thought, nothing beats Montana stargazing. The night sky had always been her favorite part of home, ever since she was a little girl. Her gaze drifted through the sky, picking out familiar constellations, until her eyes found the swirling band of light that was the Milky Way. Looking out into the reaches of the galaxy made the problems her little corner of the world had to face seem so much smaller. And she could deal with that. They both could.

\---

It was late when Joana awoke. Bleary-eyed, she grabbed for her watch. The neon numbers told her it was just past three in the morning. The Wolf’s Den was quiet and still. Everyone’s probably passed out or sleeping it off, she thought with a smirk. 

As she settled back into her blankets, she heard it, a thrashing sound, like a wild animal. That must have been what had woken her up. She slipped out of the blankets and set out to investigate. She silently padded through the bunker, the concrete cold on her bare feet. Goosebumps rose on the exposed skin of her arms and legs. 

The sound wasn’t difficult to track, now that she was listening for it, and as she got closer, she could pick up a frenzied muttering. The word “weak.” Staci. She rushed forward.

She found him curled in the corner of a supply room, the blankets twisted around his body. He looked feverish, and the way his body jerked in his sleep told Joanna there was something terrible playing in his mind.

She hurried to his side and grabbed his shoulders. “Staci, wake up!” He tossed and turned for a few more moments as she tried to rouse him, whispering at the things in his mind. Finally, he sat bolt upright, breathing hard, his eyes open and wild. Joanna put an arm around him, her other hand running through his hair soothingly. “It’s alright, you’re safe. Nothing’s going to hurt you,” she murmured.

Staci didn’t say anything, he just leaned against her like she was the only thing he had left in the world.

They sat together in the dark like that as the minutes drifted by, before Staci finally spoke. His voice was quiet, broken. “We could have died. And maybe … maybe I deserved –“

Joana cut him off, her hand moving to his cheek. “No. Don’t think like that. No one deserves what you went through, least of all someone like you.”

He shook his head slightly, his stubble scratching at her palm.

“You’re strong.”

She gave him a crooked smile. “I’m stubborn, I don’t think that’s the same thing.” Her expression turned serious. “Staci, Jacob was wrong. Strong, weak, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you keep going. And you are.” The grin returned to her face. “Besides, Jacob’s dead, so what the fuck does he know?”

Staci’s mouth twitched. She realized then how much she missed his laugh.

“Look, I’m here for you. You need anything, just ask.”

He moved his hand to her wrist. “Stay with me.”

Her gaze softened as her heart broke again. “Always,” she promised.

He settled back down as she sorted out the blankets and slipped in next to him. She rested her head against his chest and felt his arm wrap around her back, holding her close. She didn’t mind being his security blanket. And if she was being honest, it actually felt pretty nice to be held by someone. He felt warm and real beside her, and she felt a sense of human connection she’d lacked since this whole mess had begun.

She could feel his heartbeat slowing beneath her cheek, and she wished him a dreamless sleep as she closed her eyes and drifted off.

“My guardian angel,” Staci whispered into her hair, so quiet as to barely be heard. But she did.


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m glad you called,” said Dr. Hill. It was later that afternoon, and Joanna was seated in the chair opposite her, wishing she was almost anywhere else.

“I’m glad you were able to make time for me,” Joanna replied, her voice all awkward politeness.

“You sounded tense on the phone,” Dr. Hill continued mildly.

Joanna shrugged. 

Dr. Hill tilted her head. “You don’t want to be here do you?”

“No.”

“You’ve been through severe trauma. Talking about it can help.”

She saw his face through the bars. “I know you are in pain,” he’d said to her. No. Push it away.

Joanna crossed her arms and leaned back in the chair. “Alright, what do you want to talk about? All the people I killed? My awesome tattoo? The time a madman trapped me in a bunker with him for six months?”

“What do you want to talk about, Joanna?” If she was bothered by her attitude, Dr. Hill gave no sign.

“I thought we already established that I didn’t want to talk,” Joanna replied, her voice laced with sarcasm.

“If you don’t want to be here, then why did you come here today?”

Joanna looked away. “A friend asked me to. He was worried about me.”

Dr. Hill leaned forward. “Then don’t you think you owe it to him to at least try?” she asked kindly.

\---

The hours that followed were long and painful, mostly for Dr. Hill, but she managed to build the start of a rapport with Joanna. And Joanna had to admit the words were coming easier by the end of the session, even if she felt exhausted. She even scheduled another appointment. 

When she got back to her apartment, Staci was there waiting for her.

“How did it go?” he asked.

Joanna grimaced. “It wasn’t fun.”

He gave her an understanding smile. “Well, I’ve got pizza and beer, c’mon.”

“You’re perfect,” she said gratefully as she followed him into the kitchen.

“The first session is the hardest,” he said as he handed her a beer. “I’m proud of you.”

Joanna leaned against the counter and took a long sip from her bottle. “Is it always so draining?”

Staci turned to look at her. “It can be. But I think it means you’re making progress.”

Joanna grabbed her plate and headed toward the couch. “Then I must have made a lot of progress.”

Staci joined her and picked up the remote. “So, what do you want to watch?”

She laughed. “Anything. I missed you the most tv.”

Staci gave her a mock offended look. “Ouch.”

Joanna punched him playfully on the shoulder. “Quiet, tv’s talking.”

“Hey, I –“

“ – Seed was arraigned this morning. He pled not guilty to eleven counts of –“

Staci slammed the off button on the remote, but Joanna continued to stare at the place where his face had been. It was the first time she’d seen him since … She took a deep breath, pushing past the storm of memories and emotions that had risen within her.

“I’m so sorry Joanna, I didn’t think …” Staci trailed off apologetically.

“It’s alright.” She ran her hands through her hair. “It’s just something I have to deal with.”

“Still, I didn’t –“ He looked so helpless.

She placed her hand on his. “I’m fine,” she insisted. She bit at her bottom lip and looked away. “You can ask me about it, if you want.”

She felt his thumb stroking her hand. “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

He was quiet for a moment, she could tell he was working up to something.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked quietly.

“No.”

“Good.”

She could feel him looking at her. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

Joanna could feel her courage receding, the walls returning. “Not right now. Right now …” She sighed. “I just want to be normal. Just for a little while.”

He grabbed the remote again. “We could try Netflix.”

She turned to him and quirked an eyebrow. “And chill?”

He chuckled. “No promises.”

\---

Joanna could feel her eyes growing heavy by the time they turned off the tv. She stood and gave an exaggerated yawn. “I think it’s bedtime.”

Staci looked up at her. “Do you want me to make up the couch or …”

Joanna bit her lip. “I was hoping … with me, if you don’t mind.”

His expression was warm. “Of course not.”

She changed into her pajamas and slid under the covers. A few minutes later Staci joined her. She could feel the heat of his body pressed against her back, his breath on her neck. His arm slid comfortably around her waist.

“Staci?”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I’m afraid that this is all a dream. And that when I close my eyes I’m going to wake up.”

His arm tightened around her. “It’s real, Joanna. I’m real.” He was close enough that she could feel his words, and that was enough.

The mattress in her bedroom was far softer than the floor of the Wolf’s Den had been, but the peaceful feeling was the same. Joanna hoped it would promise her the same dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Eventually, Joseph removed the handcuffs. Joanna didn’t care. She felt like a ghost, a hollow shell of a human being. She couldn’t muster the emotion to rage at Joseph or to mourn her friends. The passion and conviction that had once fueled her were gone, leaving only ash in her heart.

She drifted through the bunker, mechanically going through the motions of daily living. Joseph did his best to avoid her, to give her space, and when he didn’t she simply ignored him. And at night when the memories seeped in, of her cousins’ laughter and Adelaide’s sass and Staci’s eyes, she pushed them away, held them fast behind walls and doors and locks. And it worked, for a time.

\---

She stood under the shower, feeling the warm water pouring over her naked body. It was a luxury she wouldn’t have expected from a bunker at the end of the world. She closed her eyes and for a moment she was somewhere else. Her first apartment, the one with the shitty water heater, and any second the water would turn freezing because her roommate always took the longest showers and – 

She opened her eyes. And the water stayed warm because that apartment was gone and her roommate was dead. And such a stupid, little thing undid all her hard work and the walls crumbled and the doors unlocked and the memories came flooding in. 

Joanna gave a hoarse sob and finally gave in to the grief. Tears poured down her face for her family and her friends. For the people she’d thought she’d saved but hadn’t. For dreams unfulfilled and the life she would never get to live. She crumpled to the floor, dragging her knees to her chest, the cold, uneven tile digging into her skin as she wept, convulsive gasps shaking her body. She cried until she had no more tears, and only the pain was left.

That was how Joseph found her. She didn’t even notice him at first, too lost in the haze of her grief. He turned off the tap and picked her up. He was gentle. He carried her to her bed and laid her down. Joanna felt empty and full of sorrow and most of all terribly lonely. He drew the blankets up over her body, and as he moved to leave, her hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. 

“Don’t go,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be alone.” Her voice was rough from crying, and at any other time she would have hated how small her voice sounded, how pleading. 

But he heeded her and slipped into bed with her, his chest against her back and his hand on her stomach. He held her as chastely as a shirtless man can hold a naked woman. She could feel his heart beating, his even breathing against her neck. And she tried to take comfort from his presence, the warmth of his body. Tried to fall asleep. But it wasn’t enough.

She slowly turned over in his arms, wondering if he was awake, wondering if she wanted him to be.

When she looked up into his face, she saw his blue eyes gazing back at hers and her breath stilled. She realized she needed him then, to feel something, to feel human. To hold back the darkness threatening to consume her. 

She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. The world seemed to freeze for a moment, and then he responded to her kiss and the spell was broken. His arm tightened around her waist, pulling her flush against him, her breasts pressed firmly against the bare skin of his chest. 

Joanna wound her arm around him, pulling the elastic from his hair, running her fingers through the strands as they fell. He groaned against her mouth and deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping past her lips, caressing hers. His lips drifted down her jaw, her neck, and she threw a leg over his hip, desperate to feel closer. She could feel him, hard against her through his jeans, and she moaned.

Joseph pulled back then, one hand tracing shapes on her hip, the other cupping her face. “Is this what you want, Joanna?”

Joanna leaned into his touch, into the warmth of another. She looked up into his eyes. “I need you, Joseph,” she breathed.

And that was all he needed to hear.

He crushed his lips against hers, his kiss passionate, as intense as everything else about him. His hands wandered across her body, tracing her scars, the tattoo that marked her sin. His mouth gradually followed their path, dragging down her body. He stopped at her breasts, grazing one of her nipples with his teeth, drawing a whimper from her. 

He looked at her rapturously. “You’re a gift,” he murmured. He continued teasing her breasts until her nipples were hard and she was writhing underneath him. As his mouth moved, so did his hand, trailing up the inside of her thigh. She moaned, and he pulled back to watch her expression as his fingers gently stroked her folds. Joanna closed her eyes and tilted her head back, his touch pleasurable but agonizingly slow. She could feel his lips against the column of her throat, “Behold, you are beautiful,” he said. 

He captured her lips again, a deep kiss, as one of his fingers finally entered her. His movements were languid, and she sighed against his kiss. He withdrew his finger and brought it to her lips. When she opened her eyes, she could see her slick. She took him inside her mouth and tasted herself on him, and when she did he looked at her like she was his whole world. 

His tongue replaced the finger, keeping time as the finger slipped back inside her. Soon it was joined by another, and another, stroking her walls and curling against her. Her hips jerked up, and she could feel the warmth begin to coil in her stomach. His thumb moved to circle her clit, and she could feel herself rising higher, higher. She moaned into his mouth, and the moan turned into a whine when his hand stilled. 

He looked into her eyes. “Not like this.” His hands moved to his belt, and she nodded, understanding. He unbuckled his belt and pushed his jeans off his hips, letting them pool on the floor. He was naked before her, his cock hard and straining, and she supposed she should feel shock or shame, but she didn’t. 

He climbed back over her and pressed his forehead against hers. They were both breathing heavily at this point, and she could feel their breath mingling together, could feel him pressing into her hip. 

“Joseph,” she breathed, looking up at him beneath her eyelashes. 

At that he guided himself into her, thrust himself in to the hilt in one smooth movement. He stilled, waiting for her to adjust to him, and she savored the stretch, the sensation of being full. 

“God made you for me, Joanna.” His lips brushed against hers. He started moving then, slow and measured, pulling all the way out before plunging back in. 

“We were meant to be together like this.” She cried out as the pleasure built with every stroke, a fire crackling to life inside her where the darkness had been. 

“I saved you,” he continued, his breath ragged, his composure starting to slip. His pace increased as her hips rose to meet him, to take him deeper inside her. Her fingers dug into the skin of his back as she murmured his name, over and over, falling from her lips like a hymn. The fire roared within her. He pushed into her harder, his thrusts becoming erratic, slamming his hips against her. His fingers curled around the back of her neck. 

“You’re mine.” 

His kiss was fierce, fervent, and it pushed her over the edge. The fire coursed through her body as she came with a sharp cry. Her walls pulsed and tightened around his cock and he followed her over with a few last frantic thrusts, coming inside her and groaning her name.

They lay like that, pressed together as their breathing slowed and he softened inside her. He kissed her again, gently, on the forehead and rolled off of her, keeping her in his arms. Joanna clung to him, their legs tangled together, her fingers clutching his shoulders. She buried her face in his chest and closed her eyes. His fingers were in her hair, now damp from sweat instead of the shower, stroking her soothingly. She felt warm and content. The abyss beneath her was receding, and she slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally earned that E rating! I swear, Joseph smut is way too much fun to write :)


	7. Chapter 7

“Morning,” Joanna said from over her coffee as Staci entered the kitchen. The room was warm with the scent of pancakes, and Staci helped himself. He grinned. “You keep feeding me like this, and I might start thinking you want to keep me around.”

“Perish the thought,” Joanna replied dryly, her eyes on her phone. She looked up. “I finally decided to start going through my inbox. I have thousands of messages, and that’s just in the last week.”

“Told you you were famous,” Staci replied. “Anything good?”

She shrugged. “The usual, offers to be a prop or a commodity. Reporters want to interview me, movie studios want the rights to my life story. The President wants to give me a medal.”

“You going to do any of that?”

“I suppose I have to. Ignoring it’s not going to make it go away.”

“True enough.” He looked up at her with a smirk. “You seen Hurk’s Dateline interview yet?”

Joanna tried to stifle a laugh but failed miserably. “Oh yeah, Hurk sent me the link as soon as I got out of the hospital. It was … something alright.”

“Poor Keith Morrison’s never going to be the same again.”

\---

So Joanna sucked it up and started making some calls. The first thing she did was hire an agent, Jay something, from one of those big LA firms, so she’d have to deal with as little of this herself as possible. And she had to admit, she was impressed. 

He got her a great movie deal, and he took care of all the arrangements for her trip to the East Coast. He helped pick out her outfits and coached her on what to say. He put together a list of softball questions and asked her what topics she wanted to avoid. All she had to do was smile and go through the motions. 

They flew to Washington first, and she posed with politicians, from both sides of the aisle of course, and was treated to expensive, if lifeless, dinners. She received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, an award from a grateful nation. 

She gave interviews, answering the same questions, and hearing the same lines about how much they admired her, what a survivor she was, a hero in a world that desperately needed one. And she nodded and thanked them and flew up to New York to do it all again. 

Now she was only one interview away from finally being able to go home. The reporter gave her a bland smile and the cameraman counted down until they were live on air.

“Over the past few months, the nation has been riveted by the stories coming out of Hope County. Over 2,000 people dead, representing the greatest loss of life on American soil since Pearl Harbor. But there has been light amidst the tragedy, like the dramatic rescue of Deputy Joanna Mullen, the woman who nearly single-handedly took down the Project at Eden’s Gate. And she’s my guest tonight.”

They spent the next hour going through the rote questions and answers. Joanna could practically sleepwalk through it by this point. And before she knew it she was just minutes from being finally, mercifully, done.

The reporter turned to her again. “And what are your feelings on the man at the center of all this, Joseph Seed?” he asked.

That wasn’t on the question list. Joanna glanced at Jay, standing off-camera with the producers. He was whispering furiously with them, and he didn’t look happy. She was irritated too, but she tried to gamely soldier on.

“He destroyed thousands of lives. He hurt people I care about. He locked me in a bunker and manipulated me into thinking the world had ended. How do you think I feel?"

Still, the reporter pressed on. “Well, when two people are trapped together like that, emotions can run high.”

Her jaw tightened. “What are you implying?” she asked coldly.

“Just that it’s not unusual for victims to develop feelings of affection for their kidnappers.”

Vaguely, Joanna could hear Jay yelling for them to cut the camera, but it faded away behind the sound of her blood thrumming, the anger roaring within her.

“Are you asking if I fucked him? If I fell in love with him?” she spat.

“I’m only saying that those sorts of relationships–“

What little remained of Joanna’s composure snapped. The next thing she knew, the reporter was on the ground, and she was tearing off her microphone and storming off the set. She could barely even remember punching him.

She could hardly think, hardly breath until Jay caught up with her. He put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, look at me, look at me, kid.” He held her until her breathing slowed and her focus returned. 

He looked her in the eye. “By the time I’m done with him, he won’t be able to land a job with a high school newspaper. I promise you that.” And then he wrapped his arm around her and got her the hell out of the building.


	8. Chapter 8

“Mmm, something smells good.” He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

“It’s going to burn if you don’t leave me alone,” she replied, but she was smiling. 

His lips moved to her neck. “I can live with that.”

She turned around and slid her arms around his neck. “It’s hard enough as it is making something edible with what we’ve got down here.”

He pressed his forehead against hers. “You’re a gift, Joanna.”

She shook her head and dragged him into a slow, lazy kiss.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed. Months maybe? There was no day or night underground to guide her, and she didn’t really like keeping track anyway. Years stood between her and seeing the sun again, so what was the point of driving herself crazy? Besides, Joseph knew.

He was right, they had learned to live together. More than that really. They had spent countless hours talking, about anything and everything. About their families and their childhoods and the paths that had led them there. He told her about the Voice, and she tried to believe him. 

They talked about inconsequential things, favorite foods and songs. She told him stories, and since he hadn’t seemed to watch any tv in the last few decades, he was easy to entertain. They played cards and read together, her leaning against him, while he absently pressed his lips against her hair. 

She learned his body, every tattoo and jagged scar, the things that would draw ragged groans from his lips. And he learned her, how to leave her dizzy with pleasure, how to make her chant his name. 

Sometimes she wondered if it should trouble her, how normal their lives had come to feel, but it didn’t. She had become as close to Joseph as she had ever been to anyone and that didn’t bother her either, even if she sometimes thought it should.

After dinner he told her he had a surprise for her, made her close her eyes and everything. Joanna felt ridiculous. Then she heard him return to the room and felt him press something plastic into her hands.

She opened her eyes. It was a cassette player. 

Joseph was watching her reaction, he looked almost shy. “I found it a few weeks ago. It was broken, but I’ve been fixing it while you slept. You said you missed music.”

Joanna blinked hard and ran her fingers along the edge of it. She looked at it, at him, with wonder. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

He gently touched his forehead to hers. “God has given us this test, is asking us to sacrifice, but still, I will do anything I can to make you happy, Joanna.”

Joanna swallowed, not sure she trusted herself to respond to that. So instead, she put the cassette player on the table and pressed play. She took his hand. “C’mon, let’s try it out.”

Sam Cooke began singing, and Joseph pulled her close, swaying with the music. “Look at you dancing,” she murmured, “you really are full of surprises, Mr. Seed.”

Joseph didn’t reply, but he looked pleased.

After a few more songs, Joanna found her mind turning to thoughts other than dancing, and she leaned forward and kissed him softly. His hands moved to her waist as he returned the kiss, deepening it. After a few minutes of that, they started moving backwards toward the bed, clothes falling by the wayside. They fell on the bed, their limbs and lips tangling together, the music still playing.

Joanna pulled back a moment and just looked down at his body beneath hers. His tattoos seemed beautiful to her now, and she knew his body as well as her own. She gave him an impish grin and leaned back down, tracing the tattoos, the scars, with her fingers and her tongue. When she reached “lust” his breath caught and he groaned beneath her, twisting his fingers in her hair. 

She smiled to herself and continued her way down, taking him in her hand. She teased the sensitive head as he struggled to breath, then she stretched out her tongue and ran it down the length of him. His fingers tightened against her scalp, urging her onwards. But she took her time, hollowing her cheeks and setting a slow, maddening pace that left him panting. She began to move faster, and his hips bucked up to meet her. She could tell he was getting close, but after a few moments he pushed her away. 

“Together,” he breathed.

She moved forward and took him inside her, marveling at the way he fit in her, how full she felt. His hands gripped her hips, but he let her set the pace. She threw her head back and moaned at the way he hit her, leisurely rolling her hips against him. 

He looked at her like she was a thing to be worshiped, half-whispered praise falling from his mouth as they moved together. She could feel her orgasm building, the heat pooling within her, and she leaned down and kissed him, using his mouth to muffle her cries. His arms moved to her back, holding her against him as their movements became harder, faster, his body thrusting up into hers. 

The warmth flowed through her body, building and building until she finally came, nails digging into his shoulders, his name on her lips. After a few more ragged thrusts he followed her, groaning out her name. When her heartrate returned to normal, she gave him a fond smile and rolled off him, curling her body against his side.

They lay like that a moment, the only sounds in the bunker their breathing and the soft music. 

Joanna spoke. “I think I love you,” she said quietly. 

Joseph’s fingers traced her jaw before meeting under her chin and forcing her to look up at him. His eyes were as intense as she’d ever seen them. 

“My love for you in unending, Joanna,” he said, and he kissed her.

They were too lost in each other to even notice the tape click off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Officially at the halfway point! Thanks so much for all the encouragement and kind words, I'm glad people are enjoying the story :)


	9. Chapter 9

“Is this the part where you tell me it’s not mentally healthy to punch someone on live tv?” Joanna asked.

Dr. Hill leaned back in her chair. “I’m not here to make those kinds of judgments.” A slight smile formed on her face. “But, speaking outside of my role as your psychiatrist, I’d say he deserved it.”

“Still,” she continued, her face regaining its professional neutrality, “something did seem to set you off.”

Joanna pursed her lips. “He was an asshole talking about things he had no right to,” she said tightly.

“That’s true,” Dr. Hill replied. She gave Joanna a critical look. “It’s also true that the mind does what it has to to survive. And there’s no shame in that.”

“I think I love you,” she had said.

Joanna’s fingers dug into the arm of her chair, and she looked away.

\---

The man in the suit rose and shook her hand. “Rick Vasquez, Assistant United States Attorney. Thank you for meeting with me.”

Joanna sat down at the conference table. “Thank you for driving up here.”

He took a stack of papers and a notepad out of his briefcase. “Now the first thing I want to tell you, is that Joseph Seed has been found mentally competent, and we will be proceeding to trial.” 

She snorted. “I’m shocked.”

“It’s a low bar,” he replied.

“I also have a copy of the superseding indictment, if you’d like to take a look,” he continued, handing her a stack of papers the size of a small book.

She flipped through it. “Racketeering, violent crimes in aid of racketeering, you’re treating him like a mafia don.”

“Is that really that inaccurate?”

“Touché.”

They spent the next few hours going over her testimony, beginning with the ill-fated arrest attempt and ending with her time in the bunker. Joanna kept her answers brief and efficient, saying no more than she had to, a useful trick she’d learned from Jay. And if Rick put any credence in the reporter’s questions, he didn’t show it. He didn’t ask, and she didn’t volunteer. After they finished their review, he described the timeline leading up to trial, and then they were done.

Rick walked her to the door. “I’ll talk to you again closer to the trial date, but other than that I think we’re good.”

“Glad to hear it. It’s been a long couple of days.”

He smiled at her. “So I’ve seen. But for what it’s worth, you’ve got a hell of a right hook.” Rick shook her hand again. “Pleasure working with you, Deputy.”

\---

It was with a great sense of relief that Joanna finally made it back to her apartment. And as soon as she walked through the door, Staci was there waiting for her. He pulled her into a tight hug. “I saw what happened. Are you alright?”

She gave him a rueful smile. “I think I’m doing better than he is.”

“I can’t believe that fucker,” he snarled. “Talking to you like that. Implying that. He has no idea what you’ve been through.”

Joanna had never seen Staci this angry. Knowing it was on her behalf, well, it was kind of sweet.

By the time they made it to the living room, the anger in his eyes had cooled, replaced by concern. “Is there anything I can do?” 

“Honestly, I kinda want to get drunk,” she replied. “Jay wouldn’t let me drink on the plane,” she added with a touch of petulance.

Staci grinned at her. “But there’s a song about it and everything.”

His grin was infectious. “I know, right? Some people just don’t respect the classics.”

“Well, let me see what I can find.” He disappeared into the kitchen. “Jack Daniels, okay?”

“Divine,” she replied as he reemerged with the bottle and a pair of glasses.

He filled both their glasses and raised his in a toast. “Cheers.”

She joined him. She tried to think of something appropriate to say. “To … something … fuck if I know.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

After they downed their first shots, she turned to him conspiratorially. “You know we’re going to drink this whole bottle tonight.”

He looked down at her. “That sounds like a challenge.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe it is.”

He smirked. “You’re on, Rook.”

They worked their way through most of the bottle, trading stupid stories and terrible jokes. She complained to him about how no one would let her wander around with a grizzly bear anymore, and he told her about the greatest prank he ever pulled on Hudson. They talked about bad dates and worse decisions. By the end of the night, and the bottle, she was curled up against him on the couch, laughing outrageously at something he had said that probably wasn’t actually that funny. 

She nestled against his shoulder. “You’re good at this you know.”

“Drinking?”

“Keeping me sane.”

His face softened. “Just returning the favor.”

“I like you, Deputy Staci Pratt,” she mumbled.

Staci’s breathing seemed to stop, but when he looked down at her she was sound asleep.

He reached down and pulled the blanket up over them.

“I like you, too, Rook,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent way too much time looking through WestLaw and the USAM for legal details that will never actual feature in this story because I am a giant nerd :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting, I just got back from vacation :)

This was how she would die, she thought, lying in the dark. Jacob had captured her again two days ago, locked her in this cage, and in that time he hadn’t given her an ounce of food, a drop to drink. She could care less about the food. It was water she craved. Her throat burned, and it hurt to swallow. 

She wondered if he was trying to kill her. He hadn’t asked her any questions or forced her into any more trials. She hadn’t even seen him since they brought her in. Maybe he’d finally grown tired of her, decided she wasn’t worth the trouble. Or maybe he’d just forgotten about her.

Or maybe, she thought forebodingly, he was trying to break her in preparation for something even worse.

Before she could turn her mind fully to that particular horrific idea, her dark thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps quietly approaching her cage.

She looked up. It was Staci.

“Rook,” he whispered urgently.

She struggled to stand, lightheaded and dizzy. She stumbled over to him, nearly falling against him. He slid an arm through the bars to steady her, and she leaned on him, letting him help support her.

“Here,” he pushed a silver canteen into her trembling hands. 

The water inside was the sweetest thing she’d ever tasted, and she gulped it down greedily.

When she finished, she felt refreshed, and the fog on her senses seemed to fade.

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t risk yourself for me,” she said, her voice low.

“You’re strong,” he replied. “You need to stay strong.”

He was so close to her, their faces only separated by the bars, but when she looked into his eyes, she could barely see the man she knew.

She slowly raised her fingers to his face, gently outlining the wounds and bruises. “What did he do to you?”

Staci looked down. “I am weak.”

She tilted his face back up. “That’s not true.”

His face was only inches from hers, but it felt like miles separated them.

“Staci –“ 

They both froze. Footsteps. Another guard. As he took the canteen from her grasp, she pressed her fingers against his, one last silent thanks. She smiled at him as he disappeared into the night, and as she collapsed back onto the hard dirt, she prayed that they would both get out of this in one piece.


	11. Chapter 11

She’d been out for hours, but the long ride had cleared her head. There was a kind of peace you could only find on the back of a horse. When she returned to the stable, she untacked the mare and began brushing her down.

“Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you.”

She recognized Staci’s voice behind her and smiled.

“Dr. Hill recommended equine therapy. Best thing she’s done yet.”

“Yeah?” he asked, walking up to her.

“Well, I was riding before I could walk, so this might be cheating therapy-wise, but I like it. Besides,” she said, patting the horse’s neck fondly, “I’ve always liked animals better than people.”

“Even me?”

She turned to face him. He was standing so close, her breath hitched. The teasing response died on her lips as she looked at his face, the kind eyes, the playful smile. “I don’t think I could like anyone better than you,” she admitted.

He brushed a lock of hair back behind her ear, and then dropped his hand down, cupping her face and tracing the line of her cheekbone with his thumb. She leaned into his touch.

“God, Joanna, I – I look at you, and I all I can think about is how lucky I am to have you in my life. You were there for me, when I wasn’t even myself. I thought losing you would destroy me, but it didn’t. I knew I had to pull myself together. Be strong for you. I knew you were out there, and I would find you, like you found me. You’re …” he trailed off. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

She put her hand on his shoulder and stepped even closer, his arm twining around her waist. “I don’t mind.”

“You’re everything to me,” he murmured.

Her other hand drifted up his neck, along his jaw. “After I saw you again, you were all I thought about. Grace said Jacob made a mistake, making it personal, and she was right. I would have done anything to get you back. And then I would have done anything to help you put yourself back together.”

“You did.”

She shook her head but didn’t argue the point. “I’m the one that’s lucky to have you. I don’t think I’d be able to get through any of this without you.” 

“Don’t sell yourself short.”

She smiled. “See, this is why I love you.”

He tilted her head up. His lips were so close.

“You love me?”

“More than anything,” she confessed.

“Good. Because I love you, too.” And then her eyes slid closed and his lips were on hers and it was the sweetest thing she’d ever tasted. The kiss was gentle, but full of yearning, and in that moment, she knew it would be her last first kiss. They clung to each other when they broke apart, and he gave her a smile that was almost shy. She was pretty sure her expression matched. 

“Want to grab dinner?” he asked.

“Dinner like a date?”

“Dinner like a date,” he responded. And then he kissed her again, hungry and passionate, and she figured dinner could wait awhile.

\---

She’d had dinner with Staci more times than she could count, but calling it a date made everything feel different. In substance it was still the same, they ate food, they talked; it was all in the details. The way he kept his hand on the small of her back as they walked to the table, the way she brushed his hand with hers when she reached for her glass. The way they both couldn’t stop smiling, the way they both were so happy. God, they were probably sickening, she thought, but she really didn’t care.

After dinner, after their date, he walked her up to the front door of her apartment and slipped his arms around her waist. “So, you going to invite me in?” His smirk was adorable.

She placed her hands against his chest and looked up at him coyly. “I don’t know, the neighbors might talk.”

“Let them.” And then he kissed her, his lips hot against hers. “You make a pretty good point,” she murmured as she fumbled with the door behind her. 

They almost fell into the hallway when she finally got the door open. They were both laughing as he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.

When he set her down, it wasn’t laughter making her breathless.

Her hands went to his shirt, and she began to unbutton it, slowly revealing more and more of his toned chest. He followed suit, his hands sliding up under her shirt, helping her pull it over her head. She could feel his eyes lingering on the tattoo John had branded her with. She could see the scars on him, as well, the Seeds had left their mark on both of them. 

But that was in the past, and this was a time for them, not for old ghosts. She drew his hands to the clasp of her bra, and she could see his gaze turn to what was beneath the tattoo. The rest of their clothing followed slowly, as they took the time to explore one another and enjoy the new sights and sensations.

Staci ran his hands down her sides. “You’re so beautiful, Joanna.”

She grinned. “I am. You’re a very lucky man.” He laughed, and then tossed her on the bed, ignoring her rather undignified yelp of surprise. “Don’t I know it,” he agreed, following her down.

He kissed her again, playfully biting at her lip before starting a lazy path down her body. He licked and nipped his way down her neck, and when he reached her breasts he gave a groan of pleasure. The feeling of his breath made Joanna’s skin tingle. 

He teased her, licking and sucking everywhere, but where she needed him, and she gave a whine of impatience. That fucking smirk. But it was worth it because he finally, finally turned his attention to her nipples and drew sounds out of her that would make a porn star blush. 

She was practically panting by the time he moved on, trailing lazy kisses down her abdomen, until he finally reached her center. And then he started teasing her again, his tongue tracing her folds, but carefully avoiding her clit, avoiding dipping in. She laced her fingers through his hair, urging him on, but he paid her no heed, continuing his slow torture. It felt so good, but it wasn’t enough. The pleasure thrummed through her body as she moaned. 

“Please, Staci.” 

At that, he relented, sucking at her clit and feasting on her like a man starved. The pleasure erupted within her, consuming her, as she cried out his name. 

When she finally came back down, her looked entirely too pleased with himself. She shook her head. “God, I love you,” she muttered, and pulled him back up her body and into a feverish kiss.

As his tongue caressed hers, his hands dropped back down to her hips. She could feel him, hot and hard between her legs, and she rubbed herself against him, encouraging. He pulled back slightly, their noses still touching, and looked at her. His eyes were full of warmth, of love. She leaned up and planted a gentle kiss on his lips.

Staci guided himself inside her, his movements slow and steady. When he had fully hilted himself, he paused, and she could feel them both let out a breath neither of them realized they had been holding. She felt complete. The smile she gave him was a small, private thing, and he brushed her hair back and kissed her, his tongue moving in time with his rocking hips. His thrusts were measured, like he was trying to savor every moment, and he whispered her name, his love, against her lips. 

She could feel the warmth building in her again, the flare of desire, and he seemed to feel it, too, his movements speeding up as he chased his own high. Her second orgasm hit her like a wave, rolling down her arms and legs, her nerves singing. She cried out his name, begged him to come inside her. And with a few more rapid thrusts he did. 

That night, she fell asleep in Staci’s arms, as she had so many nights before, in the Whitetails, in her apartment. But like when dinner had become a date, all the details had changed. They were naked, for one, and he held her tightly, pressed against him. But more importantly, for the first time in a long time, he was smiling when he fell asleep. And when she followed so was she.


	12. Chapter 12

Joanna tossed back a shot of whiskey, savoring the sweet burn as it warmed its way down her throat.  All things considered, this wasn’t a bad way to end her first week in Hope County.  Deputies Hudson and Pratt had taken her out to some roadhouse for a welcome happy hour, and she was already a couple drinks in.

Hudson had run into some friends, so right now it was just her and Pratt.  He was pretty easy to talk to, and she had to admit, pretty easy on the eyes.  They were casually chatting when her eyes lit up at the song that had just started playing.

_Hey girl, go on now._

She grabbed his hand, grinning.  “C’mon, dance with me.”

Pratt refused to budge.  “I don’t dance.”

Joanna leaned in, smirking.  “Are you telling me that a good ol’ country boy like you doesn’t know how to two-step?”

Pratt relented with a groan as she dragged him out onto the dance floor.

_You know you’ve got everybody lookin’._

He put his arm around her waist, and she could tell some of her infectious energy was rubbing off on him.

He was a better dancer than she’d have given him credit for, she thought, as he spun her around the dance floor, pulling her close.

_All I wanna do is get to holdin' you_

_And get to knowin' you_

_And get to showin' you_

_And get to lovin' you_

_'Fore the night is through_

_Baby, you know what to do_

His hands slid down past her waist as she twisted her hips to the music, staying just on the right side of gentlemanly.  She grinned up at him, and he looked down at her, giving her a look that was pretty smug for a guy that hadn’t wanted to dance in the first place.  There was a hunger there, too.

She was suddenly very aware of just how tightly their bodies were pressed together.  She really liked it.  Her hips gyrated against his, and his breath was hot on her neck. 

And then, before she knew it, the song was over, and they were left breathless and heated together on the dance floor.

“Guys, next round is on me!” Hudson yelled from over by the bar.

“Can’t say no to that,” she murmured and broke away.  As she walked to the bar, she was very careful to add some extra swivel to her hips.  She could feel Pratt’s eyes on her the entire way.

That “happy hour” wound up lasting well into the early morning, and Pratt ended up driving her back to her apartment.

Joanna was still pretty hyped, and she fiddled with the car stereo, trying to find something she liked.

“Hey,” said Staci, swatting her away.  “You do not mess with a man’s radio.”

Joanna rolled her eyes and ignored him, settling for the sounds of Florida Georgia Line.

He pulled to a stop in front of her apartment, and they just sat there for a moment.  He caught her eye, and not for the first time that night, she realized just how close they were.  He seemed to realize it, too.  He held her gaze, and her breath stilled.  For a moment, it seemed like they were the only two people in the entire world. 

And then the thoughts started pouring in.  She’d only moved here a week ago, she was just starting a brand new job, he was her co-worker, and this was a terrible idea, no matter how sweet it sounded. 

And then the moment passed, and she got out of the car, and she walked up the steps to her front door.  She turned around when she reached the door, and he was still sitting in his truck, watching her.  She gave him a soft smile and a little wave and went inside.  Her heart was still beating a little faster than normal. 

Maybe, she mused, it was like the song said.  “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, it’ll be,” she sang to herself.  “Baby, if it’s meant to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And boy was it a long road to get there :P


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it's time for the drama :)

Joanna met with Rick again the week before the trial.  She knew something was wrong when she saw the dark expression on his face.  “What happened?” she asked cautiously.

“Joseph Seed fired his lawyers, he’ll be representing himself going forward.  With stand-by counsel, of course.”

Joanna snorted.  “Well that’ll be a shitshow.”

“I know,” Rick replied with a grimace.

“Guess he wants one last chance to preach to a captive audience.  He’s going to use his own trial as a platform to spread his message to the masses,” she mused.  “That man loves the sound of his own voice.”

“Joanna, it’s not just that,” Rick continued seriously.  “He’ll be acting as his own lawyer.  Do you understand what that means for you?”

“Clearly, I don’t,” she said, but with a growing sense of dread in the pit of her stomach.

“It means he’ll be able to cross-examine you.  You’ll have to face him in court and answer his questions.  They could be personal or humiliating.  He could make you relive what he did to you.  Cross can be traumatic enough for a victim, and it’s going to be even worse when the guy who did it is asking the questions.”

Joanna gnawed on her lower lip.  “So, you think, what, that he’s going to use this as an opportunity to fuck with me one last time?”

“You said yourself he blames you.  How did he put it, ‘the world is on fire and it’s your fault?’  You destroyed his entire operation.  It’s not illogical to think he might take this as a last opportunity for revenge.”

“From hell’s heart I stab at thee,” she sighed.  “So, what does this mean?”

“Well obviously I’ll try to keep him in line when he crosses you.  We could ask the judge about using a closed circuit tv.  I could also take you off the witness list.  There’s a lot of evidence in this case, we could probably make due without you.  But that doesn’t mean that he won’t call you himself.”

Joanna ran her hands through her hair.  She’d accepted that she’d have to face him again in court, but she’d never anticipated it would be like this.  She’d tried so hard to put the bunker, to put him, behind her, to lock them away inside her head.  What doors was he planning on breaking down?  And what would he find?

She took a deep breath.  “You don’t have to do any of that.  I can handle it.  I had to face him for six months in a bunker, I can face him for six hours in court.” 

She flashed him a rueful smile.  “Bring it on.”

There was a hint of admiration in his returning smile.  “You’ve got guts.”

“I’ve never been much good at walking away.”

\---

Staci was waiting for her in the parking lot.  They had dinner plans with Nick and Kim and baby Molly, who according to Nick had just mastered “dada.”  Kim was less convinced.  

“How’d it go?” he asked as she climbed into the truck.

“Good.  All set for next week.”

Staci seemed to sense that she wasn’t being entirely candid, but he didn’t press her.

As they drove toward Holland Valley, Joanna stared out the window.  She brooded, watching the scenery stream by, mentally replaying Rick’s words.  She found herself consumed by thought and memory.  What was to come, what might happen, and him above all.  He swirled through her mind like a dark shadow, and she could hear his voice as clearly as if he were in the seat beside her.     

“No one is coming to save you.”

\---

“It’s time, Deputy Mullen.”

Joanna nodded at the courtroom deputy.  “I’ll be right there.”

She turned to Staci and gave him a wry smile.  “It’s showtime.”

Staci stepped close and put his hands on her arms.  His touch always comforted her.

“You ready for this?” he asked.  Joanna could see the concern in his eyes.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” she responded grimly.

She started towards the courtroom door, before turning back and throwing her arms around him.  He held her tightly against him.

She buried her head into his shoulder.  “I love you.  No matter what,” she whispered.

“Ditto.”

She took his face in her hands and kissed him fiercely.  Then she turned on her heel and marched into the courtroom.

A hundred eyes followed her as she walked through the gallery and toward the witness stand.  They belonged to reporters and victims and curiosity seekers.  To jurors and lawyers and marshals.  But Joanna never even noticed them.  No, there was only one gaze that had captured her attention, one face. 

It had been months since the last time she had seen him in person.  He looked so normal sitting there in a dark navy suit.  Handsome.  Exactly as she remembered him.  And as she looked at him, she couldn’t stop the flood of memories that threatened to overwhelm her.

She was back in his church.  He was standing before her, holding his arms out to her like an invitation.  His eyes never left hers.  “God will not let you take me,” he said.

She was coughing up water, gasping for breath.  Droplets fell from her hair, running in rivulets down her face, and her clothing was plastered to her body.  She was cold, but his hands were warm on her shoulders, and his face was so close to hers. 

He was on top of her, inside her.  His lips were hot and hungry against her neck, and her fingers dug into his back.  Her release was building inside her, fierce and inescapable.  They came together, and as they did he murmured her name over and over again, like a prayer.

He was smiling down at her, holding her tightly and swaying to the music.  Dancing with her for no other reason than because he knew it would make her happy.

Those memories, and a thousand more, hit her like a hurricane when she saw Joseph Seed again.

Joanna swallowed and tried to ignore the pounding of her heart.  She walked past him, close enough to touch, and made her way to the witness stand.  His blue eyes, as intense as ever, never left her.

She swore an oath to tell the truth, and she took her seat.  She answered Rick’s questions about her time in Hope County, about the Project at Eden’s Gate and Joseph Seed’s role in it.  About the things she saw and the crimes she witnessed.  About the murder and the torture and the kidnapping.  She spoke for hours.  And then he was done.

“I have no further questions for the witness at this time, Your Honor.”

Joanna’s fingers curled into fists, her nails digging into her palms.  Here we go, she thought. 

What memories would he prey on?  What confessions would he drag out of her for all the world to hear?  And worse, what would they think of her when he was done?  What would Staci think?  Hell, what would _she_ think, after being forced to face the painful, the confusing and conflicted?

The judge looked down from the bench.  “Mr. Seed, you may cross-examine the witness.”  

Joanna steeled herself.

Joseph stood, and his eyes found hers.  They were … gentle.

“No questions, Your Honor,” he said.

And she could hear his voice inside her head.  “My love for you in unending, Joanna.”

“Are you sure about that Mr. Seed?” the judge asked, a trace of confusion in his voice.

“I am, Your Honor,” he replied.  But Joseph wasn’t looking at the judge.

“Then the witness is excused.  The Court will take a fifteen minute recess.” 

Rick found her in the hallway outside the courtroom.  Het let out a low whistle.  “Can’t say I saw that coming.”

Joanna shrugged.  She just wanted to end this conversation and get as far away from the courthouse as she could.  “Joseph’s always been full of surprises.”

“I know he’s crazy, but I still don’t get it.  He’s taken every other opportunity he’s had to play to the audience.  Why let you go?”

“I don’t know.”

But she did know. 

He gently touched his forehead to hers.  “God has given us this test, is asking us to sacrifice, but still, I will do anything I can to make you happy, Joanna.”

Even after all this time and all that had happened, Joseph didn’t want to hurt her.  He was still trying to protect her, even if it was at his own expense.

“Joanna?”  Rick looked concerned.  “Are you alright?  You seem like you’re … in a daze.”

“Just tired,” she lied.

“Go home and get some rest,” he said kindly.  “You deserve it.”

But Joanna knew that would be easier said than done.


	14. Chapter 14

Joanna leaned lazily against him, enjoying the warmth of his skin.  They were sprawled together on the couch, Joseph’s arm wrapped around her waist.  He was reading, and she was seriously considering taking a nap.  As she felt her eyelids start to droop, she was startled to alertness by a loud bang.  Joseph was looking up now, too, his face troubled.  Another bang.  The sound was coming from the heavy steel door.  Joseph stood up, and Joanna followed him.

Her stomach was heavy with dread as she watched the door.  There shouldn’t be anything, anyone, out there.  Possibilities flashed through her mind.  Animal.  Survivor.  Raider.  Whatever it was, it seemed determined to get inside.  She noticed that Joseph had positioned himself in front of her.  Despite the tension, she smiled at that.  Sweet, but very unnecessary.

“What do you think it is?” she asked, but Joseph didn’t reply.

For a moment, the sound stopped.  Maybe whatever it was gave up, Joanna thought.

But the silence was broken by an even louder boom, as the door crashed open and men dressed in black body armor and carrying assault rifles came pouring through.

Everything seemed almost a blur after that.  One of the men grabbed her, began pulling her away.  She slammed her head back, connecting solidly with his face, and squirmed out of his grip. 

Two of the men had forced Joseph to his knees, guns pointed at his head.  As she rushed forward to help him, she was seized roughly from behind.  She was fighting like a wild animal, screaming for Joseph. 

His voice seemed to cut through the noise and confusion.  “Go with them Joanna.  All will be well.  God is watching over you.”

How can he be so calm, she thought, but she ceased her struggling and allowed the man to guide her through the door, up the steps.

The hatch was open, and as she passed through it the light was so bright it nearly blinded her.

When her vision finally cleared, she couldn’t believe her eyes.  The sky above was a clear, cloudless blue, and the clearing around them a verdant green.  It was all untouched.  And there were people around her, more people than she’d ever dreamed she’d see again, and police cars and ambulances and a helicopter.  Nothing was burnt, nothing was scarred.  It was like the nukes had never fallen at all.

She turned to the man who held her, nearly collapsing against him.  “What is this?  What’s happening?”  It was a struggle for her to get the words out.

“I’m with the FBI Hostage Rescue Team.  Joseph Seed is in federal custody.  You’re safe now.  He can’t hurt you anymore.”  The man spoke slowly, clearly, but Joanna still didn’t understand.

She was trembling, and her heart was pounding in her chest.  “You’re not supposed to be here.  This isn’t real.  It can’t be real.”  Her body was numb, and she could hardly breath.

The man looked concerned.  “Hey, it’s alright.  You’re alright,” he said, but Joanna couldn’t hear him. 

The warmth of the sun pounded down on her, and the sounds of the crowd pressed against her ears.  She was shaking, crying.  The man seemed to be calling for someone.  She could barely stand. Her mind was in turmoil. She had seen the explosions. She had watched the world end. Nothing, no one, should be here. This shouldn't be, _couldn't be_ , happening. Or could it?

She gripped weakly at the man.  “Please, I need to see Joseph … I need to know … I need him to tell me … was it a lie … why did he lie.”  She was babbling, her words desperate and pleading, and she felt like the world was breaking apart around her.  Then she felt a prick against her skin and everything went mercifully black.


	15. Chapter 15

Staci put down the phone.  “The jury just reached a verdict.  Do you want to go down there or watch it on tv or …” he trailed off, waiting for her to respond.

Joanna was staring out the window.  “What’s the point?  We all know what they’re going to say.”

Staci came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.  Joanna leaned back into the embrace.

When he spoke, his voice was muffled by her hair.  “Yeah, but it’s closure.  It means we can move on with our lives.”

She turned her head to look at him.  “You know it’s not that easy.”

“It’s not,” he agreed.  “It’s hard, and it’s messy, but it’s worth doing.  And we’ll do it together.”

She pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

“Together.”

\---

Rick grinned at her from across his desk.  “Guilty on all counts.”

“I knew this was an open and shut case,” he continued, “but I still always get a little nervous.  Juries can be crazy.”

Joanna nodded.

“Now all that’s left is the sentencing, and then you can start putting all this behind you.  With any luck he’ll have a needle in his arm by this time next year.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

He seemed surprised by her confusion.  “We’re seeking the death penalty.  I though you knew that.”

She had known, but somehow she’d managed to push that fact far into the back of her mind.  Hearing him say it made it feel real.  Possible.

She shook her head.  “Right.”

Rick picked back up where he’d left off.  “You have the right to do a victim allocution at the sentencing, to tell the judge about how you were affected by what he did, that sort of thing.  I assume you want to?”

“I do.”  But she had no idea what she wanted to say.

\---

It felt strange, taking the witness stand again, after the trial had ended.  How did the phrase go, “it’s all over but the crying?”

There was no jury this time, only the judge for her to speak to.

She could feel Joseph’s eyes upon her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him.  Not now.  She wondered what he was thinking.  Was he scared, now that his life hung on the line?  Did he still believe that God, the Voice, would deliver him?  Was he thinking about her?

She smoothed the crinkled paper in her lap.  She’d agonized for weeks over the words written upon it, searching through her feelings and fighting with herself.  But she’d made her decision. 

The judge nodded at her.  “Deputy Mullen?”

She took a deep breath and began.

“Joseph Seed has committed terrible crimes.  People have died, lives have been destroyed, all because of him.  I saw what he did to Hope County.  I saw the bodies, hanging from the overpasses.  I saw the people, brainwashed into slavery.  I saw the families, torn apart.  He preyed upon the weak and the lost, and he destroyed those strong enough to oppose him.”

She closed her eyes and paused for a moment, and then continued.

“I know what he did to me.  His men hunted me and drugged me and tortured me.  He tried to kill me.  And then he kidnapped me and told me the world had ended.” 

Her voice broke a little, and she fought to steady it.

“I have scars, physically and mentally, that will never go away.  I’ve been out of that bunker for months, and I still question reality sometimes.  I still feel like I’m broken.  But I’ll get better.  I’ll learn to let go.”  Her voice was stronger now. 

“Joseph Seed wanted to lock me in that bunker for the rest of my life.  To keep me alone and imprisoned.  And I think that’s what you should do to him.  Make him spend the rest of his days rotting away in some windowless prison cell.  Give him what he wanted, what he tried to do to me.  Let him see how long those years feel.  Trap him with only his failure to keep him company.  Don’t make him a martyr, and don’t give him an easy way out.”

Her eyes finally found his.  “Don’t kill him.”

As she spoke, she wondered if it was cruel mercy or lingering love that motivated her words.  If she wanted Joseph to suffer or if she couldn’t bear to see him killed.  And in her heart, she knew the answer. 

And she could live with it.


	16. Epilogue

Joanna’s eyelids were heavy, and the couch was so very soft beneath her.  She could close her eyes, just for a minute.  What was the harm?

She’d just started to drift away when she was suddenly jolted awake.

“Mommy, you can’t sleep.  This is the best part,” Sarah declared, yanking on her arm.

“Mommy’s awake, sweetie.”  And Mommy’s also seen this movie 400 times and knows that the ending probably isn’t going to change, she thought to herself.

Still, it was her daughter’s favorite movie, and it was pretty cute how Sarah was still on the edge of her seat. 

And yup, Anna was fine, Arendelle was saved, and everyone lived happily ever after, just like the other 399 times.

“I wanna watch it again,” Sarah said, her eyes pleading, but Joanna was saved from having to respond by the sound of the door opening.

“Daddy,” Sarah yelled, bounding toward the door, the movie forgotten. 

“Hey kiddo,” Staci said, sweeping her up into his arms.  “Did you keep Momma company today?”

Sarah nodded solemnly.  “We watched my movie.  A lot.”

Staci grinned at her.  “I bet Mommy loved that.”

Joanna made a face at him.

“Alright, sweetheart,” he continued, “the deal was you could stay up until I got home.  Now let’s get you to bed.”

Joanna could hear Sarah stubbornly arguing with him the entire way up the stairs.  That definitely came from her.

When Staci came back down, he dropped on the couch next to her.  “How you doing, Rook?”

Joanna put her hand on her stomach.  “I feel like a beached whale.”

“Well you look gorgeous.”

“Liar,” she replied, but she was smiling.

His hand joined hers.  “One more week.”

“Can’t come soon enough, it feels like he’s trying to kick his way out.”  She smirked.  “New plan.  You go on maternity leave, and I’ll go to work.”

Staci laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  “I don’t think I’m man enough.”

She curled against him, getting comfortable.  “Mmhm.  I see how it is.  Just do the fun part and then run away.”

Staci gave her a mock offended look.  “Hey, I put together all of the nursery furniture.  Those instructions were very confusing.”

She snorted.  “Just shut up and put something on the tv that doesn’t involve any singing.”

“That bad, huh?”

She nodded against his chest.  “Still, it is kind of fun watching her watch the movie.  We have a pretty fucking adorable kid.”

She could feel him grinning.  “She takes after her mother.”

“You’re such a sap,” she said.

“That’s why you love me.”

“Yeah, it is.”

She reached up and threaded her fingers through his hair, bringing his face down so she could kiss him.  He returned her kiss eagerly.  When they finally broke apart, she laid her head back down on his chest.  She felt content.  Peaceful.  Whole.

“We’ve got a pretty great thing going, don’t we?” she murmured.

Staci’s arm tightened around her, and his fingers ghosted across her belly.  “It’s only going to get better.”

And Joanna was pretty sure he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end :)
> 
> I just want to thank everyone for all the support I got while writing this. I hope y'all had as much fun reading this as I did writing it!


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